Prashant Kishore (really stressed out): Good morning, RG... these Congress defeats in Kerala and Assam are really hurting my aura of invincibility. I was on such a winning streak before I met you.

Rahul Gandhi (patting his pet dog): My condolences on the defeat, PK. But think of yourself as Virat Kohli, who played a blinder of an innings, but the team lost. It’s really not your fault, don’t take it too hard.

PK (agitated): That is a ridiculous analogy, worse than some of Modi’s metaphors. YOU are supposed to be our Virat, the match-winner. But you just don’t seem to have it in you to win any matches for us.

RG (initially shocked at PK’s impertinence, recovers): What can I do? Mummy and the veterans’ team will not give me the captaincy. Mummy is behaving like MS Dhoni.

PK (getting nostalgic about MS Dhoni and Sonia Gandhi): Yes, they were both great match-winners once upon a time, but now it’s time for them to step back and enjoy the game. (Suddenly wired) Ok, so we have Uttar Pradesh and Punjab elections next year; we really need to get serious about those elections. If we lose those as well, no one will give me a job. They will think I’m a loser.

RG (chuckling): I’ve been losing for the last five years, man. Has anything happened to me? You really do stress too much, PK.

PK (clenching teeth): Well, that’s because my surname is not Gandhi, Mr Gandhi, so I actually have to perform.

RG (rolling eyes): Ok, ok, enough of this testy attitude. Tell me what we need to do for Uttar Pradesh and Punjab.

PK (totally wired): Ok, let’s start with UP. An alliance with Mayawati is absolutely essential for the Congress. My team has crunched caste and sub-caste data going back to Vedic times, and it is quite clear that a Brahmin-Muslim-Dalit axis is what we need to win the state. Maybe it’s time you picked up the phone and gave Mayawatiji a call.

RG (not convinced): You know with Mayawatiji, I don’t quite feel the dynastic connection. She is not a princeling like me or Akhilesh. Of course the Gandhi and Yadav dynasties are not close to being comparable, but both are dynasties nonetheless. Mayawati does not have any dynastic ambitions at all. I find her kind of strange!

PK (violently rolling eyes): But an alliance with the Samajwadi Party does not make any sense. There will hardly be any incremental votes that we can transfer to each other. Without Mayawatiji’s Dalit votes we will be doomed and I will go back to my UN job.

RG (feigning concern): Now, now, wait a minute! Are you telling me you won’t go back to work for Amit Shah?

PK (embarrassed): Amitbhai is a total bully. I hate the deep-fried food he feasts on, and forces everyone else to eat as well. I’m a fitness freak, I just cannot deal with that.

RG (grinning): How about working for our friend Kejriwal then? He seems your type.

PK (proudly): Well, some people are already calling the Punjab elections Prashant Kishore versus Arvind Kejriwal. I think Kejriwal is alright, but his anti-drugs stand is hypocritical, considering some ‘rock stars’ in his party.

RG (eureka moment): Can we make someone like Vishal Dadlani an election issue in Punjab? Can we say he is the drug-addicted rapper in Udta Punjab ?

PK (WTF, but reconsiders): Maybe you are on to something. This pot is really potent. The first problem though, is that most Punjabis think the Udta Punjab character is based on Honey Singh. So we will have to first change Honey Singh’s image among the public.

RG (intense): How do we do that? That might be as tough as changing my image.

PK: Simple. We get Honey Singh to record ‘Vande Mataram’ with Lata Mangeshkar and Sachin. What can be better for his image?

RG (ecstatic): That’s brilliant. No wonder they call you an ace strategist. We get someone from the Aam Aadmi Party to record a Snapchat with Tanmay Bhat, so we can call them both anti-national cokeheads and freedom-of-speech junkies. Then we link Kejriwal to both, and puncture his campaign.

PK (not convinced): But that’s exactly what Subramanian Swamy likes calling you: an anti-national cokehead. Aren’t we becoming like the BJP?

RG (earnestly): Yes, but BJP does hard Hindu nationalism, we only do soft. Like hard drugs and soft drugs. Or hard and soft power. Ask Shashi Tharoor.

PK: Yes, I’ve watched that TED talk. (Under his breath) It was better than all your speeches put together.

RG: What?

PK: Nothing.

RG (decisively): Let it be leaked to NDTV that all is well in the Congress. We have introspected, the party has taken collective responsibility, the Gandhis are in charge. The party is ready for battle in UP and Punjab, with my vision and your strategy.

PK: Sure, RG.

Disclaimer: This article is a piece of fiction.

(Sambuddha Mitra Mustafi is the founder of The Political Indian)

@some_buddha

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