Aftee Bal doctor, Govt launches Bal Minister programme!

The little boy is wearing a light-pink silk kurta and a superbly tailored churidar. He is holding a pair of scissors, standing in front of an elderly, stooped bearer holding a stretched ribbon. He looks annoyed. “Why do I have to do this,” he says, “These scissors are heavy. Isn’t there someone who can do this for me?” The joint secretary beams proudly as he points to the boy. “One of our finest recruits,” he says. He pats him on the head fondly and gives him a Ferrero Rocher. The boy trots off, followed by the bearer, who is now holding both the ribbon and the scissors, trying to figure out if he can hold both ends of the ribbon and also use the scissors. He would have scratched his head, but his hands are occupied.

“When did you first think of this?” I ask the joint secretary. The man is pleased that I have asked this question. “After the rapturous response to Gujarat’s Bal Doctor programme,” he says, “in which select schoolchildren will be given a badge, a torch, a stethoscope and ayurvedic medicine, with which they will cure classmates suffering from minor ailments, we in the government felt that this initiative should be extended to other fields. We are proud to announce the Bal Minister scheme, in which select schoolchildren will provide ministerial services in classrooms, such as ribbon cutting, foundation-stone laying and demonstrating proper usage of microphones. By getting priority while walking in corridors, and blocking others who are on the way to the bathroom, they will teach young members of the public about the importance of VIP movement. Each will be provided with Bal SPG commandos and will travel in Bal BMWs. Like Bal Doctors, the Bal Ministers will also receive a Bal Minister kit. Each kit will include a torch, a VIP badge, a small bungalow, a petrol pump, a public sector bank manager, and a lifetime supply of clean chits. Like the best government schemes, this one also serves a dual purpose. It helps us groom the future leaders of tomorrow, and provides children with an early exposure to the basic principles of democracy and governance.”

I feel a tap on my shoulder. It’s the bearer, looking apologetic. The Bal Minister is behind him, arms folded across his chest. “Sir, you will have to get up,” he says, “Young mantri- ji requires your chair.” I pick up my pad, salute the secretary and leave quickly, before he can ask for my wallet.

Will keep arresting Lalu, promises CBI!

The nation was thrilled after the CBI promised the public that they would continue to arrest Lalu until India is free of corruption. “I was extremely happy,” said the nation, “and I’m not just saying this because Arnab is on holiday.” “Whenever he comes out, we will arrest him again,” said a senior officer of the CBI.

“It’s true that our record on corruption is slightly weak. For example, we have been unable to solve a single defence scam since Independence, beginning with the Jeep Scam of 1948. But not any more. For too long, we have lived with the dark shadow of corruption. The time has come for the good men and the few women of the CBI to stand up and say enough is enough. We will keep arresting Lalu until the menace of corruption is no more, and we can all rise together as a nation and say, we are free, we are free, finally we are free!”

The news was greeted with much satisfaction by several cows. “We chewed over the matter and decided that the bad he did outweighed the good,” said Patna-based Supriya. “It took us some time, but we like to stand quietly and think things over.”

“For several years, we suffered due to scarcity of fodder,” said Nandini, from Darbhanga. “As he is served watery dal in jail, I hope he will reflect on how he snatched the food from our mouth.”

Gym owner hopeful after rise in memberships!

Charanjit Chanana, owner of Hard Bodiezz, a premium gym in Naraina, is on the verge of seeing his dreams come true. “All I ever wanted to do was help people get ripped so that I can buy a condominium,” he says.

Thanks to the rush of new memberships in the new year, this young man, his toned body displayed to advantage in pink lycra, is raking in the moolah. “It’s amazing,” says Chanana, “we opened six months ago and there’s never been a rush like this. It started on January 2. Some people were obviously not feeling well, but they still came here in person to make the down payment. Online registration has also gone up. Our efforts on social media are paying off. I have ordered 20 new treadmills.”

His confidence is not misplaced. Members of this upscale Delhi locality are clearly bitten by the fitness bug. Enthusiasm is widespread. “This week I was a little busy, but next week, 100 per cent,” says Supratim Sen Sharma, a finance executive, as he steps into his car. A gentleman at the local McDonald’s had his mouth full, but in response to my query, he gives me the thumbs up. Both men and women are equally keen. “All I have to do is buy gym clothes and some deodorant,” says Tanya, resident of Pocket 44.

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of Murder with Bengali Characteristics; @shovonc

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