The Investigator

Flopkart to launch cow home delivery!

I feel like a trespasser at the Flopkart office. The pillars at the entrance are shaped like DNA. There are blue and yellow cushions everywhere, and themes for every floor. Visually, the walls are very active. Rajinikanth is there, and across the corridor, Amitabh Bachchan. They have a movie floor, a sports floor and a library floor. They have an Olympic torch and mini golf. They have crystal chandeliers. The walls are lined with mannequins dressed much better than me. Yellow shopping bags hang from the ceiling. Wherever I look, there are inspirational sayings from Steve Jobs, Pablo Picasso, Isaac Newton and many other great men, although not many women. I find this hard to deal with. My life is ruled by women. Where are the women? Could it be that they’re hiding? I hunch in my chair uncomfortably, wishing I had polished my shoes. Working conditions here are very different from my own. I share a tiny cubicle with a large, gassy co-worker. I muster a smile as the executive emerges from the washroom and sits down at his desk, which is bright yellow. He is clean, fresh and optimistic. I want to be delivered by him. But I am here to do a job. I open my notebook.

“You must be here about the cows,” says the executive, smiling. His teeth are pearly. “As you know, we at Flopkart are constantly evolving as per the requirements of the Indian market, unlike Amazon. We have identified an unfulfilled need in the area of cow transportation. People are facing problems transporting cows from point A to point B, because at another point in the route, let’s call it point C, other people are beating them up and stealing their wallets. As a result, cow transportation has become a high-risk activity. The orderly movement of cows is essential to the economy. Provided no laws are broken, and we receive written consent from the cow, attested by a gazetted officer of the rank of deputy secretary and above, Flopkart is willing to bridge the gap. Once you sign up for Gau Gati service, and share the Aadhaar details of the cow, a specially-reinforced drone will deliver your consignment to a location of your choice. Your cow will travel in an air-conditioned box. In-flight catering will include vegetables and oats soaked in ghee. Piped music will be provided on request.”

“Will you be doing express delivery,” I ask. “Certainly,” says the executive, “for a nominal extra fee, we will deliver your cow within three-four business days. We are also providing 10 per cent discount to cardholders of select banks, and a special offer on Sundays where, with every cow, one calf is delivered free.”

Free cola to be distributed in Kashmir!

In news that has been completely ignored by Coca Cola, the government today announced that free Pepsi would be distributed to the people in Kashmir. “After 20 years, we thought it was time to do something different,” said a home ministry official, “hence we decided to study global trends.

We found video evidence that distributing Pepsi has recently helped protesters and security forces avoid bloodshed in America. We also read news reports mentioning that one Miss Jenner will be visiting Syria shortly with Pepsi, in an attempt to resolve the ongoing conflict. US sources reveal that she may also be sent to North Korea, in addition to reuniting Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. This is when one of our seniors wrote a marginal notation in one of the relevant files, saying ‘May be considered’. A lively debate ensued. Other seniors pointed out that as we move towards our goal of one security person for every family in Kashmir, expenses have been mounting. Hence, some form of public-private partnership would be preferable. This is why we are considering a collaboration, wherein every Kashmiri household will receive one security person, along with one complimentary mini fridge from Pepsi. In this way, the Kashmiris will become closer to the security forces, the security forces can keep an eye on them, and everybody will enjoy chilled beverage. Unlike the American case, we are not involving any ladies, although if Alia Bhatt volunteers, we won’t say no.”

Rajasthan assures prompt action against victims!

Responding to widespread public concerns after recent incidents involving cows, the Rajasthan government has assured the public that no victim will be spared. “In the past there have been lacunae in our approach, and some victims have gone scot free,” said an official communiqué.

“With the implementation of the ‘No victim left behind’ programme, this loophole will now be plugged. A system is being put in place for better coordination between gau rakshaks and the police, so that necessary action can be taken promptly. Since police resources are limited, some planning will be required. All activity will be as per a prior monthly schedule, to be submitted in triplicate, on stamp paper, at the local police station under whose jurisdiction the victims reside, along with photocopies of birth certificate, PAN card details and three passport-size photographs. Unscheduled cases will not be entertained. The public is urged to support these efforts. Potential victims are requested to keep their Aadhaar cards handy, for age verification, so that the relevant sections of the law may be applied. While any member of the public may qualify as a victim, certain sections are requested to be especially prepared, and to provide full cooperation as and when the time comes. You know who you are.”

The Investigator is a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc