PUNJAB YOUTH PROTEST INJUSTICE TO SUNNY LEONE!
This is my second visit to Punjab at a time of troubles. The first was during an uprising involving butter chicken, when I narrowly escaped with my life. Things have not improved. The police are still large and threatening, with the biggest paunches of any police force in the country. I approach the venue with caution. So far, no one has offered me any drugs.
The park is filled with young men. Most of them are wearing spectacles. They are shouting slogans and carrying placards which say ‘STOP THE INJUSTICE!’ and ‘SAY NO TO YO YO!’ Emotions are running high. Many are weeping bitterly, tears streaming down their cheeks. A few have torn their clothes. To be on the safe side, I approach one of the smaller protesters. “You seem upset about Sunny Leone,” I observe. The youth bursts into tears. “She has given so much. She has touched us in so many ways. Agriculture is plummeting. Job prospects are zero. Harbhajan Singh has been dropped from the Indian cricket team. In the darkness of our lives, she was the only ray of light. Is this any way to treat her? What has she ever done, except spread happiness? She is always there for us. And she has never charged a penny. At this point, I should give credit to Google. They have also been helpful.”
Behind us, a mass of weeping students surges towards the barricades. The police launch a mild lathi charge, but their hearts are not in it. Their sympathies are clearly with the students. A studious-looking youth with a thin growth of beard picks up a stone and hurls it at a constable. It bounces off his skull, causing no harm. He turns to me. “Yo Yo Honey Singh is the pride of Punjab. He is constantly encouraging us to think of women as objects. She is an object. How can they object to the object, but support the subject? It’s a violation of natural justice, as well as the rules of grammar.”
I go over to a constable, who is breaking for tea. As he watches the rampaging youth, his expression is benign. “A lot of them are wearing spectacles,” I point out. “That’s because most of them are students. The penetration of Sunny Leone amongst the student population is nearly 100 per cent. I have nothing but respect for the SGPC, but they have caused a bit of a situation here.” “How long do you think this will go on?” I ask. The policeman quickly feints sideways, expertly avoiding a water-filled condom. “Until the beginning of the exams,” he says. “I wish the SGPC had not dictated how she should use her name. It’s a battle they cannot win. If it’s already on her Aadhaar card, there is nothing anyone can do.”
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DIRECTOR OF NIRAV MODI BIOPIC REVEALS ALL!
We bring you an exclusive interview with the director of Niru, biopic of international gem fancier Nirav Modi. The interview was conducted at an undisclosed location in the Cayman Islands, due to a misunderstanding with the Indian tax authorities. I was blindfolded throughout, and found it very hard to read my notes afterwards.\
What’s the storyline?
It’s the story of a boy from a relatively underprivileged family. We see his early struggles, when he could only afford very small diamonds.
Do we learn anything new?
We debunk a lot of vile rumours. For example, it’s not true that he wears high heels and a diamond tiara when he’s relaxing at home. Not did he start eating tandoori chicken as a mark of gratitude to Punjab National Bank.
So it was palak paneer then?
That he was already having. It’s also not true that he installed a statue of the PNB chairman in his ancestral village. Only a small photo in his pooja room. Anybody who spreads such rumours will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Is there a villain?
Yes, Nehru. For unnecessarily encouraging the public sector. Plus, he smoked.
Does it have a happy ending? Do his employees get paid?
Please. This is not a fantasy. We are trying to keep it as realistic as possible.
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ASK ALLY
Ally Subramaniam was born in the South-West Sunderbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions. Just send them to askallysubramaniam@gmail.com
Dear Ally,
My business is making losses. Can I be acquired by LIC?
Regards, Cyrus, Mumbai
Dear Cyrus,
Do you have an LIC policy? According to my sources, when it comes to acquisitions, policyholders will be given preference. In the case of IDBI, which must have inspired you, the vast majority of employees there had policies with LIC. Despite having ₹56,000 crore in non-performing assets, this was a plus point for them. Many of them were already customers. When LIC was considering entry into the banking sector, they evaluated a variety of candidates, and IDBI stood head and shoulders above the rest. For the LIC management, there is also an element of strategy involved. Here they are, entering a completely new area. They feel shy. They are nervous. The public has trusted them with their money. It’s a heavy responsibility. This is much better for their reputation. However much they mess up, no one is going to blame them. Whereas, if they had acquired a healthy bank, and ruined it, fingers might have been pointed. Under these circumstances, although you have not specified your business, I would rate your prospects as good. The most important thing is, you are making losses. If, despite this, you are facing problems, you could go the Jio route, and declare yourself a greenfield venture. Make sure your proposal has diagrams. Include a roadmap. They love roadmaps.
Yours sincerely, Ally
The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc