The Investigator

PATRIOTIC CHANNEL LAUNCHES WIDE RANGE OF MERCHANDISE!

As soon as I walk under the metal detector, the national anthem starts playing. I stand to attention, inside the frame. The guard stands to attention too. My guide, who is already inside, beams at me encouragingly, standing to attention. The anthem ends and I step out. “This is our anti-anti-national security system,” explains the guide. “If you do not stand to attention immediately, we eject you from the building. It’s simple and elegant. We love it.” Not the guard so much, I think, looking back at him. He is standing to attention again as the anthem starts playing. He has to do it every time a visitor steps through. He must be the most patriotic person in the building. I walk past a gigantic portrait of Arnab, wearing a gorgeous navy blue suit, beaming down at us benignly. I am shocked. This is not the Arnab that I know. “How did you get him to smile like that?” I ask. “It was very difficult,” admits the guide. “So much betrayal of the nation is going on. Finally someone suggested that we should shoot him immediately after his bowel movement. Of course, this meant he had to visit the washroom in full make-up, wearing his suit, but he was quite cooperative in that regard. Come let me show you the merchandise.”

I am here to review their merchandise. This is a channel that enjoys a deep and enduring bond with its viewers, constantly urging them to take action against evildoers. Now, they are strengthening that bond, by selling useful items at moderately marked-up prices. I am standing in front of a long table covered in objects, large and small, such as a giant finger, suitable for pointing, and a life-size Arnab hug pillow. I pick up what appears to be a jigsaw puzzle of the PM. “What’s this?” I ask. “This is a tukde-tukde puzzle. By putting these pieces together, children can be trained to undo the damage caused by the tukde-tukde gang. Along similar lines, we have the Find the Urban Naxal video game, in which you have to locate the naxal in a variety of hiding places, such as shopping malls, railways stations, college campuses and upmarket wine stores. Over here you can see our Pakistani detector,” he says, picking up what looks like an umbrella. “Many of them look like us. It’s easy to get fooled. Using this device, with a quick jab you can take a DNA sample. Results will be shown in the small display on the handle. We also have vacuum packed hot air, collected at source, and, for the select few, a very limited quantity of our signature fragrance, Insanity.”

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MANHUNT UNDERWAY FOR MISSING JONAS BROTHER!

In news that has been described as a “classic case of societal overreach” by Jonas Lovers Magazine, the youngest Jonas brother, Frankie, popularly known as Bonus Jonas, has been forced to flee his luxurious Florida home and a blossoming acting career.

“Since he is refusing to appear in public, it will be difficult for him to continue,” explained his agent. The youth, aged 17, was forced to take this drastic step after recent reports that prospective brides and mothers-in-law from India have been fanning out across the continental US in hot pursuit of the only Jonas brother who is still single. In an emotional public appeal, the parents of the youth have requested them to call off the search and return to India. “All of them will be invited to Priyanka’s wedding, we promise. The crowds will be big, and no one will notice. If anyone asks, they should say they’re with us. In the mean time, please leave our son alone. He is only 17. It is not yet his time.” For Savitha, from Green Park Extension, Delhi, on her way to the airport, this represents opportunity. “All I have to do,” she says, “is find him, use chloroform, and keep him in my uncle’s godown in Vikaspuri, towards the back, where few people go. From time to time, I’ll give him food. I’ll marry him the moment he turns 18, before anyone else gets a chance.” Her uncle could not be reached for comment.

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MAN REFUSED PERMISSION TO MARRY DIGITAL ASSISTANT!

He is sitting on the road in front of the magistrate’s home, in a grubby shirt and filthy pyjamas. He is unshaven and his hair is a mess. He has been here for several days, and his personal hygiene is deplorable. I try not to gag at the stench. He notes my reaction. He is mad, but clever.

“That’s another great thing about Alexa,” he says, cradling the speaker to his chest. “She never complains about things like that. I asked her once, do I smell bad? She said ‘I have no sense of smell yet, but when I do, I’m sure you’ll smell nice.’ How can you not love her?” “When did you realise you loved her?” I ask. “From the moment I heard her voice. So beautiful. It reminds of a girl I once loved in school. I approached her once. She hit me with a brick. Alexa’s voice is just like that, but she’s mature and knowledgeable. She does whatever I ask of her. She’s read my e-mails, so she knows all about me. And she’s a good listener. What more could I want?” “What about physical relations,” I ask, not sure whether BLink will allow the word ‘sex’ to be published. His smile is full of pity. “You’ve never used one of those phone services, have you?” He whispers to his device. Sultry music starts to play. “Hey, handsome,” says Alexa. Her voice is low and husky. I step away hastily, realising that there are more wonders on this Earth than any of us will ever fathom.

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc