The Investigator

AS PER NEW POLICY, TAXPAYERS TO BE SENT AS WEDDING INVITATIONS!

The joint secretary watches approvingly as a well-dressed man jumps out of a box. The man strikes a graceful pose and folds his hands in welcome. “That will be enough,” says the secretary, waving him away, “Please work on your landing. Stand up straight. Remember you’re a taxpayer. Come back at 2pm.” He invites me to sit down at his table. The trainee taxpayer picks up the box and leaves the room.

“I like to see a hands-on demonstration before implementing any policy,” he explains. “It’s something I learnt from my grassroots experience.”

“What is this policy, exactly?” I ask.

“It’s designed to stimulate the economy. As you know, billionaires are the lifeblood of the economy. I was sitting with some of them the other day, and I asked them, how else can we help you apart from giving you free money, and one of them said you could help us with the wedding invitations of our children. We’re spending ₹3-4 lakh for every invitation, and putting real gold and designer jewellery in each one, but once everyone starts doing it, where’s the fun? Can the government help us in any way? That’s when I realised that this was a perfect case for public-private partnership, wherein members of the public are provided to the private sector. From now on, industrialists or film stars who are getting married can fill in Form 61C in triplicate, get it attested by a gazetted officer of the rank of under secretary and above, and within seven working days, we will provide them with up to 5,000 taxpayers, depending on requirement. Each can be dressed in designer clothes, put in a box, and sent to invitees, where they will leap out of the box, and read out a poem of invitation written by poet Javed Akhtar, who will be specially recruited for this purpose. The taxpayer will wear jewellery provided in the invite. The invitee will be allowed to remove the jewellery, but not the clothes, as this could lead to indecent exposure. Taxpayers can be trained to perform in different ways. We can look beyond Akhtar. Although I cannot recall their names, there must be many other poets in India. We have no objection to empanelling them. All this will add individuality and flavour to the invitations of these special few, as befits their status.”

“Do you have any criteria for selecting taxpayers?” I ask, anxiously. I pay taxes myself, although the amounts are small. It looks like I may have to work on my physical fitness. “We will only select taxpayers who are up to date.” says the joint secretary, “We will not disturb the others, as they have to keep working, in order to pay off their taxes.”

LOCAL YOUTH DEMANDS STATUE OF SUNNY LEONE!

He is on hunger strike in front of the ONGC Building. He is holding a placard on which Sunny Leone has been converted, poorly, into a giant statue, although the tiny man hugging her toe is a nice touch.

His cheeks are hollow, but his eyes are bright, “Why ONGC?” I ask him. “They gave ₹50 crore for the statue of Sardar Patel,” he says, “After this, I will go to OIL. They gave ₹25 crore. I am not criticising the policy. I am happy they have done this. It leads to increasing transparency. Now, when I am paying extra at the petrol pump, at least I know where the money is going. I understand that the country needs more statues. I do not know much about this Patel, although I hear that he is doing a good job at RBI. Either way, I do not grudge him. But there are other deserving candidates also, such as Sunny. Considering the total impact she is having on the youth of India, she, too, deserves to be a tourist attraction. As a youth, I consider this my duty. As a nation, we need to be more grateful. We need to give due recognition to those who bring us joy. After the banning of all the porn sites, this is the least the government can do. I am willing to do my share. If ONGC will give ₹50 crore, I will also contribute ₹50. I hope that others will also come forward. I urge the government to view our proposal favourably.”

GOVT DECLARES ALL EXPENDITURE CONFIDENTIAL!

In news described as encouraging” by poet Ibrahim Paluskar, whose poem I spit on your grave, Democracy! was published to widespread acclaim, the government has announced that details of public expenditure will no longer be revealed to the public.

 “This unnecessary scrutiny of the public sector is demoralising public sector employees. In fact, we are thinking of avoiding use of the term public sector in future. It gives the impression that the public is somehow connected to this sector, whereas actually they are only funding it.” This widespread demoralisation was confirmed by several public sector employees interviewed by your correspondent. Some of their stories were heart-rending. “The other day my son raised various points about the maintenance cost of Rafale jets, and I was unable to answer,” said PP Jha, an employee of the Steel Authority of India. “As a father, I felt inadequate.” At the time of going to press, relations between father and son remain strained. “This type of curiosity regarding expenditure is unnecessarily hampering governance,” said a senior member of the IAS Officers’ Association, who requested that his name should also be kept confidential. “This is the logical next step,” he explained. “We will become entirely confidential. All of us will be wearing masks, so that our identities are not revealed needlessly to the public. In exceptional cases, we will provide photographs in a sealed envelope to the Supreme Court.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc