The Investigator

COWS WELCOME UP MOVE TO PENALISE FARMERS!

In news described as “highly encouraging” by  Cow Lovers Monthly , the Uttar Pradesh government has announced that farmers who set loose cows that no longer provide milk, because they cannot afford to feed them, will now be penalised. “We have announced a series of measures,” said a representative of the administration. “For example, all cows will now be given barcodes, to identify their owners, and fitted with RFID tags, for ease of location. Eventually, they will receive Aadhaar cards. But our first priority is to ensure that farmers do their duty. The programme has been carried out in phases. In Phase I, we destroyed the leather and beef industries. Close to one million evildoers who were working there are now unemployed. In Phase II, we were building shelters to feed and accommodate them, but a recent calculation has shown that the number of shelters required may have been underestimated, and this process may take some time. Accordingly, we have launched Phase IIB, a revised version in which farmers will be ordered to take care of them.”

The bovine community has greeted the news with cautious optimism. “So far, there has been good news and bad news,” said Mallika, an elderly cow, currently roaming the outskirts of Moradabad. “The good news is no one is eating us. The bad news is, no one is feeding us. I wholeheartedly support this new initiative of the administration.” Pinky, a cow from Meerut, is more militant in her thought process. “After all these years of service, they kicked me out, saying, how can we feed you when we can’t even feed ourselves? The government has announced penalties. I hope corporal punishment is included.” Alia from Agra district is more thoughtful. “We have to take a long-term view,” she said, while chewing cud. “We need some sort of provident fund, where a small amount of money from every litre of milk is set aside for our future benefit. All people have to do is pay a little extra. The government loves charging a little extra. One of my friends loiters around the Revenue Department. I have informed her, so that she can put a word in the right ear.”

Government sources responded positively to the suggestion, but reaffirmed that the current focus will be on penalties. “Farmers cannot give specious arguments such as lack of income to avoid their responsibilities. Once we have finished barcoding every cow in Uttar Pradesh, any farmer whose cow is found to be roaming will face stiff penalties.” Will this not make the government very unpopular? “We checked with the cows, they all seemed to like it,” said the official.

JUDGE RECEIVES GLOBAL SPEED READING AWARD!

The United Association of Speed Readers, a global body designed to recognise extreme acts of speed-reading, has awarded a judge with its Lifetime Achievement Award for Speed Reading Excellence, a rare honour conferred only once every decade.

This was after a heroic act of speed-reading, unfairly ignored by the main-line media. “It’s as if speed-reading is completely irrelevant,” groused a member of the Association. In a matter regarding the dismissal of a senior police official, the concerned judge read and analysed a 1,000-page report in less than 24 hours, before providing a decision. In doing so, it is estimated that he read 40.2 pages per hour, with no sleep and no bathroom breaks. The amount of coffee he consumed has not been revealed. “His colleagues are not normally known for high speed,” said the President of the Association, “but this man has absolutely outdone himself.” A sour note was struck by a prominent American judge, who lashed out at ‘unreasonable benchmarks being set by judges from third world countries, whose standards of living are much lower, as a result of which they have much less to live for.’ The winner will be awarded in a glittering ceremony aboard a Japanese bullet train, where the award will be personally handed over by noted sprinter Usain Bolt.

In related news, the government has categorically denied that the decision was reached quickly because it was written on the cover page of the report.

GIRL REJECTS BOYFRIEND FOR NETFLIX!

In news that has driven a senior executive of a prominent dating website to leap from his 14th-floor window, Nandini, 23, a resident of the Begumpet area of Hyderabad, has ditched her boyfriend of six years in favour of Netflix.

The boyfriend was not available for comment. “He has completely run out of conversation,” she said. “The other day I caught him asking a friend to suggest some topics. He was whiny and pathetic; the suggestions that his friend gave were truly terrible. Over the years, as a woman, I have grown, but he did not grow with me. Netflix came into my life only recently, but already we’ve become so close. I was halfway through a movie starring Radhika Apte, wondering whether I should sleep for a couple of hours, when it suddenly dawned on me. He just doesn’t understand my needs the way Netflix does. Perhaps he never has. The other day, he suggested we should watch  Simmba , unaware that I have decided to stop watching Ranveer movies out of loyalty to Deepika. It seems wrong to lech over her husband. But Netflix always knows what’s in my heart. It’s so accurate. How does it know me so well? It’s like we were made for each other. Time just flies when we’re together. Netflix gets me. It really gets me. It completes me. I don’t know what the future holds, but for now, it’s Netflix and me.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc