The Investigator

HEAVILY ARMED TV ANCHORS RAPIDLY APPROACH BORDER!

The TV studio is a hotbed of activity. A large part of the floor has been cleared. On one side, sitting in a row, are many young men in tight jeans and loose T-shirts, shaping small pieces of metal with microscopic chisels and hammers. On the other side are young children, boys and girls, mixing some kind of powder in bowls. My guide notices me looking at them. “The army has only 10 days of ammunition, so they’re making bullets,” he says, “The boys are all mobile repairmen from Nehru Place. Their fingers are very nimble. The children are veterans from Sivakasi.” I watch them making the bullets, and take a few pictures, thinking up captions such as “Sivakasi Bravehearts!” and “Can Rahul Gandhi do this!”

Everyone else in the studio is running around madly. Cameramen run with their cameras, slightly hunched over, pausing only to shout “Pakistan Murdabad!” before rushing out. A make-up girl rushes up to a producer with a large crash helmet. “Not big enough,” says the producer, “have you seen the size of his head!” “What can I do, it keeps getting bigger,” cries the make-up girl, before rushing off to get another one. “I’ll tell them to delay the countdown,” says the producer, and sprints out of the studio.

“Where are they all going?” I ask my guide. “To the terrace,” she says, “That’s where we’re launching him from.” We go upstairs, to the terrace, which is an even bigger hotbed of activity. The centre of attention is an extra large cannon. Arnab is nestling inside it, with just his head and the barrel of a semi-automatic rifle sticking out. An assistant is feeding him a sandwich. He munches it with an air of determination. “He’ll reach there quickly, but the distance is quite far,” says my guide. “He felt the need for some nourishment, so we are feeding him a paneer sandwich. It’s all he eats these days.” “Where is he going, exactly?” I ask. “We’re firing him into the Phulwara sector!” he says. “Are you sure?,” I ask, “isn’t that in India?” “You may be right,” he replies. “We probably need to elevate the cannon by a few degrees. But my main concern is getting the right helmet. We are providing the helmet so that he is not rendered unconscious when he lands. Because then he will not be able to use the machine gun on our enemies. But whatever happens, given the velocity at which we are firing him, he will definitely have a big impact. We all knew this was coming. He’s been bulking up for the last six months.”

BOLLYWOOD IN PERIL DUE TO DECLINING BIRTH RATE!

While Bollywood continues to bask in the success of Gully Boy , certain sections of the industry are not so sanguine. “I foresee dark clouds ahead, darling,” said an eminent director, from an undisclosed closet somewhere in South Mumbai. “For the next 10 years or so, things will be fine. But what happens after?

Where will our heroes and heroines come from? No one is having any babies. It’s becoming a crisis. When his time comes, around 2035, how much can one Taimur do? I keep asking Kareena to have more children, but she refuses to. The other day at their house, I raised the subject again, but after Saif went to get his hunting rifle, I left quickly. Alia and Ranbir are refusing to get married. Deepika has married, but is still not doing her duty. Our only hope is Priyanka. Now that Meghan is expecting, maybe she will follow suit. But there’s no guarantee. It’s a pity. Her children would be gorgeous, and probably sing well. Artificial insemination looks like the only option, but it seems so pointless. Half the fun is in imagining beautiful bodies from good families coupling and uncoupling, and producing more beautiful people. But it looks we won’t have a choice. Otherwise the industry will grind to a halt. Plus I worry about Tiger. Too much exercise can lower the sperm count, and if there’s one thing we need more of, it’s him.”

ASK ALLY

Ally Subramaniam was born in the South-West Sundarbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions. Just send them to askallysubramaniam@gmail.com .

Dear Ally

These days, sometimes I catch my wife staring at me with a very fixed expression. I get a prickly sensation on the back of my neck, and when I turn around, there she is, watching me. She never used to do this earlier. Should I worry?

Sridhar, Kochi

Dear Sridhar,

The tone of your letter suggests a long association between the two of you. Have you become more lovable than before? Has your boss been hugging you unexpectedly? Does your vegetable seller slip you an extra potato or two, and smile at you more than he used to? Do you catch college girls giving you the glad eye on the bus? This is rare, but its been known to happen. You grow more lovable as you grow older. The same thing happened to Amitabh. Otherwise, she may be planning to eat you. Has she been dieting a lot recently? Women often do this. You may think I am trying to scare you, but such practices are not unheard of in the animal kingdom. The Praying Mantis is very similar. If this is the case, you need to be careful. Stay away from the kitchen as much as possible. Given how it works for the Praying Mantis, you should probably stay out of the bedroom too.

Yours Sincerely, Ally.

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc