The Investigator

LOVERS ARRESTED FOR SLAPPING EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC!

Pinky and Gurprit, both residents of Chhatarpur in the National Capital Region, were picked up this morning by local police after an incident of violent mutual slapping, which drew crowds from as far away as Panchkuian. Pinky is a graduate student of sociology, while Gurprit, a pharmacist, is the sole breadwinner of his family. The FIR was filed by one Mrs Madan, a homemaker from the locality who was walking her toddler in the same park where the young couple was expressing their love. “It was horrifying,” she told a reporter, “they were going at each other like India and Pakistan. The last time I saw such violence was when the alcohol ran out at my sister-in-law’s wedding. I covered my child’s eyes with my hands, but she could still hear the sound of the slaps. She continues to suffer from trauma. She wakes up at night, crying, ‘they’re coming, they’re coming’!” The police have taken prompt action. The couple was arrested immediately, and has been charged with ‘public indecency’, ‘loitering with intent to violence’, ‘child molestation’ and ‘possible love jihad’. “We threw in the love jihad thing to make the case stronger,” said constable Sukh Ram of the local police. “Because we’re clever like that.” The couple has protested innocence. “They have a democratic right to love each other,” said their lawyer, Mr Dastur of Dastur, Dastur and Dastur. “Sometimes it just expresses itself in a different way. This type of victimisation cannot be accepted. We are filing a counter FIR against the complainant, as well as the toddler.”

In related news, a long queue of women has formed outside the Hyderabad home of the renowned cine director who has been inspiring such activity. His most recent feature film, which he will be soon directing again in three other Indian languages, was a super-hit, helping a fading hero to resurrect his career in one last act of desperation, and inspiring the youth of India. “We want to slap him to show our love,” said one of the ladies standing in line outside the gate of his medium-sized mansion. “I have come fully prepared. My hands are soft and supple. I moisturised them heavily for three days. So far he is not co-operating, and refusing to let us enter his house, but we remain confident that, eventually, love will find a way. Not to mention the sheer pressure from all the women who want to do this. They are joining us from across the country.” “Slapping is not enough to express what I feel for him,” said another lady in the queue. “That’s why I’m wearing boots.” 

CHENNAI-BASED BUSINESSMAN TO LAUNCH AIR PURIFYING BROOM!

The nation was in turmoil after a Chennai-based businessman, 43, with prior experience in chit funds, announced his intention to launch a broom with a built-in air purifying facility. His announcement was triggered by the recent act of sweeping by a prominent heroine of yesteryear, to encourage better cleanliness. During the event, which received widespread publicity, it was observed that her broom was not touching the ground. Instead, it was weaving graceful patterns in the air. “People have been mocking her,” he says, “but I thought it was one of her best performances. She was actually testing my prototype, developed by three IIT-ians whom I have kept locked-up in my basement. I do not allow them Netflix and their food is strictly rationed. Personally, I blame the photographers. Photography can be deceptive. I have met several photographers and they were people of poor character. It’s very easy for people to laugh, but what the photographs do not reveal is the small red button on the handle of the broom, which is used to switch on an array of microscopic suction fans. They have also failed to notice the active charcoal elements in the individual sticks of the broom, or the re-chargeable mini battery unit that was tucked into her outfit. Utilising this technology, the nearby air is thoroughly purified. The advanced model will also have a built-in selfie stick, and a direct connection to Twitter. The product is extremely versatile. Not only can it perform all these functions, it can also be used for sweeping.”

MAN FROM ERNAKULAM DEMANDS INDIA MIDDLE-ORDER SLOT!

In news described as ‘inevitable’ by Cricketer International, an unemployed youth from Ernakulam has launched a hunger strike outside the BCCI office, demanding appointment as middle-order batsman in the Indian cricket team. “Everybody else is getting a chance, so why not me?” he said. “I am currently in between jobs. I am unable to score runs. I get nervous when people bowl too fast. I have done a rough calculation that if I can play 20-30 matches per year, this should be sufficient to meet my financial requirements.”

A senior sports correspondent of  The Hindu  has expressed doubts. “A lot of work is involved,” he said. “First, he needs to buy Ravi Shastri a drink. Without this, further progress is not possible. Jack Daniel’s would be ideal. If he cannot afford Jack Daniels, he could buy an empty bottle from the local scrap dealer and fill it with the beverage of his choice. He should take care that the colour is exactly the same. He may be thinking of using apple juice, but I would advice against it. It is unlikely to yield results. He must also interview those who got selected, paying particular attention to Kedar Yadav. They may be able to provide some tips. He had also asked me to use my influence with The Hindu Group, to swing things in his favour, but I told him that I cannot oblige, since I am a non-vegetarian.”

ASK ALLY

Ally Subramaniam was born in the South-West Sundarbans, but was blown away by a cyclone and washed up on the shore near Chennai. He was adopted by a poor Brahmin family from Tirupur. He can answer all your questions. Just send them to askallysubramaniam@gmail.com .

Dear Ally

These days, sometimes I catch my wife staring at me with a very fixed expression. I get a prickly sensation on the back of my neck, and when I turn around, there she is, watching me. She never used to do this earlier. Should I worry?

Sridhar, Kochi

Dear Sridhar,

The tone of your letter suggests a long association between the two of you. Have you become more lovable than before? Has your boss been hugging you unexpectedly? Does your vegetable seller slip you an extra potato or two, and smile at you more than he used to? Do you catch college girls giving you the glad eye on the bus? This is rare, but its been known to happen. You grow more lovable as you grow older. The same thing happened to Amitabh. Otherwise, she may be planning to eat you. Has she been dieting a lot recently? Women often do this. You may think I am trying to scare you, but such practices are not unheard of in the animal kingdom. The Praying Mantis is very similar. If this is the case, you need to be careful. Stay away from the kitchen as much as possible. Given how it works for the Praying Mantis, you should probably stay out of the bedroom too.

Yours Sincerely, Ally.

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc