The Investigator

BOSS MISUNDERSTANDS #METOO, PROPOSITIONS SUBORDINATE!

In news that has made ‘Iwasconfusedtoo’ the top trending hashtag on Twitter, the general manager of a public sector bank in Hyderabad has been arrested for getting fresh with a female subordinate, who had recently been transferred from Guntur. “I have been getting fresh with female subordinates ever since I achieved Grade 3 managerial ranking,” said the culprit GS Naidu. “When the #MeToo movement first started, I was very enthusiastic,” he said. “I was introduced to it by one of my female subordinates, to whom I am very grateful. It felt as if finally my needs are being addressed. As a middle-aged manager, I have often felt that cultural trends were passing me by.

Suddenly there was this movement which invited me to jump right in. I was very inspired and humbled by the stories. Some of these men have been pursuing these interests for years. The sheer breadth of their activities, the dedication and focus with which they pursued them, all this was awe-inspiring. As I learnt how many great men were involved, I realised that I am not alone. Some of them are senior journalists whose work I have long admired. Inspired by the spirit of fellowship, I also wanted to join the movement. My efforts became more vigorous after Ms Vijaylakshmi joined us in Accounts Receivable.” How cooperative was Ms Vijaylakshmi? “She was surprisingly uncooperative,” said Mr Naidu, shaking his head. “Even after I explained that this was part of a larger social movement, and that we at the bank cannot ignore wider social trends. After all, we are also part of society. But she continued to refuse me. Yesterday afternoon, during a break in a discussion on trial balances, I was pursuing the topic further, when suddenly she took the law into her own hands. She came round my desk and rotated my swivel chair violently and repeatedly, leaving me dizzy and disoriented. Then she attacked me with a stapler. It was one of those large ones, and it really hurt. Not all of the staples have been removed from my body, but the police insisted that first they had to file the FIR, and only then could they take me to the hospital. I pointed out that I was bleeding profusely, but they said that this was no excuse. Meanwhile, I have given instructions to the Purchase Department to only buy small staplers in future, and to avoid chairs that swivel.” How serious are the wounds he suffered? Mr Naidu was reluctant to divulge details. “Let’s just say that I will have to temporarily suspend my efforts to support the movement,” he said.

DIGESTIVE MAKER TIES UP WITH PUJO COMMITTEES

In news described as ‘visionary’ by Food Fancier’s Weekly, a prominent maker of digestive products has announced its intention to forge long-term strategic alliances with Pujo committees across the nation.

“We had sent observers to several clubs and societies in the major metros,” said a spokesperson. “We were impressed by what we saw. People are saying that the economy is down, but the sale of fish fry has not been affected. Demand is greater than ever, and they are not even using as much fish as they used to. Mutton kosha is also doing well, as is biryani with potato. Our alliance will be multi-faceted. We will provide discount coupons against bulk purchase. Beyond a certain volume, a family-sized bottle will be provided entirely free of cost. We are assuming that the family will need to buy more subsequently. In select cases, we will set up a small stall of our own right next to the food vendor, saving consumers the trouble of looking for a pharmacy. We are viewing this alliance in a five to 10- year perspective. In Phase 2, we will target non-metros.” Industry reactions have been generally positive. “It’s an idea whose time has come,” said Montu-da of Montu Caterers. “While deep frying kabiraji cutlets, I have often had to ask myself, how much is too much? Now I no longer have to worry.”

ASK ALLY

Dear Ally

Even after booking one of the neighbourhood girls, I am unable to make progress. What should I do?

Regards, Raghuram Rathore, Panipat

Dear Raghuram,

Ever since Shahid Kapoor played a stalker in that super hit movie, I have been getting a lot of questions like this. When you say ‘booking’, I am assuming you and two or three of your friends were recently sitting in a chai shop, when you saw the girl in the distance, and you told your friends that someday she would be yours. Since then, your friends have referred to her as Bhabhi-ji, as in “I saw Bhabhi-ji at the bus stop this morning. She was looking very beautiful”. In terms of making progress, ideally you should know her name. Have you made any inquiries? Conversation is also important. Have you ever talked to her? This is a good starting point. Women like talking. Think up some good topics. Practise with your friends. Then, once you are adequately prepared, creep up behind her and try to start a conversation. The rest is up to fate. It worked quite well for Shahid Kapoor.

On the other hand, you are not Shahid Kapoor. Wishing you the very best with your efforts.

Yours sincerely, Ally.

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc