The Investigator

ARNAB LAUNCHES LOVE JIHAD AFTER CHINESE CLAIM GUWAHATI!

Shovon Chowdhury

In news described by  Love Jihad Weekly  as “a shot in the arm for the industry”, notable patriot Arnab Goswami has declared love jihad on China, after the Chinese foreign ministry issued a statement demanding that the Indian government hand over his home state of Assam immediately, in compensation for hurtful remarks made by the eminent warmonger on his prime-time show. “For too long, mighty China has tolerated the insults of Indian media stooges such as Goswami,” said the statement. “Supreme leader Xi Jinping, whose shining intellect is an inspiration to us all, had digested these insults in the interests of peace. But after the recent remarks, we can no longer sit idle. The low IQ Indian government is instructed to hand over the state of Assam immediately. This is not only to teach a lesson to Goswami, but as per historical evidence, which confirms the claims of China. The Ahom kings, who ruled Assam for over 600 years, were originally from Yunnan province. This makes Lower Yunnan a part of China. A Chinese appointed governor will reach the border shortly, and the illegal administration of India is asked to withdraw immediately. The smaller states attached to Lower Yunnan should also be handed over, helping to streamline the map of India, so that the Indian administration, whose incompetence shines like the sun, can administer its territory more easily.”

The Indian foreign ministry has responded swiftly, condemning ‘aggressive statements by certain neighbouring countries’. Arnab has also not been sitting idle. In his most recent debate, during which he wore traditional Assamese attire and a combat helmet, he said, “The time has come to take the action which the cowards of the Congress have avoided for 60 years. Eligible bachelors need to swarm across the border immediately, supported by covering fire from the Indian army. They can now pay attention to finding life partners, while at the same time striking a blow for the motherland.”

In related news, the Chinese government has also demanded that India should hand over the city of Bengaluru. “We already own most of the companies there,” said a spokesman for the foreign ministry. “It makes sense that we should take the city as well.”

ASK ALLY

Shovon Chowdhury

Dear Ally,

After four months of lockdown, my husband has stopped wearing clothes. He only puts on a kurta during Zoom meetings. He says he never goes out, the maid servant is not coming, and our son never leaves his room, so why bother? Currently, he is still wearing underwear, but I am apprehensive. Can you suggest any remedy?

Sujatha, Thiruvananthapuram

Dear Sujatha,

When a revolution occurs, it may take a little time to adjust. Even when Dhoni took over from Ganguly, many people found it difficult, especially in Kolkata. Change is part of existence. We must learn to embrace it. Man was not born wearing clothes. Clothing is unnatural and wrong. In places such as Thiruvananthapuram, the climate does not demand it, except perhaps during cooking, when there is the danger of sudden contact with hot surfaces. For this, a light apron should be sufficient. Your husband is a man of vision, unconstrained by societal norms. He has seen the future. I would suggest that you do the same. Do not let prejudices hold you back. Enjoy the breeze on your skin. Allow your inner beauty to reveal itself. Just spray yourself three times a day, and if you have to answer the door, remember to put on a housecoat.

Yours sincerely, Ally

CHINA RETREATS AFTER INDIA DEPLOYS GOBI MANCHURIAN!

Shovon Chowdhury

Along with positive developments in the North-East, further good news has emerged from Ladakh. Chinese forces are now in full retreat, after helicopter gunships of the Indian Air Force began dropping packets of gobi Manchurian and matar chow mein over encroaching Chinese forces. The Chinese were initially enthusiastic, believing that this was a tribute to them, but they are now in full retreat. The PLA has protested, arguing that these actions are in violation of the Geneva Convention. “We may have had our differences, but this is cruel and inhuman,” said a colonel. “Many of our soldiers stripped off their uniforms and leaped into Galwan River, from which we are still trying to rescue them.”

Pressing home the advantage, the Indian army is flying in chow mein vendors from Calcutta, who will produce special Calcutta chow, containing chunks of half-cooked mutton, raw onion, and a mixture of chilli sauce and tomato sauce, served with extra grease. “The dish will be loaded into large drums and rained down continuously,” confirmed a spokesperson of the Air Force. The defence ministry will continue these efforts, despite Chinese offers to hand over Donglang, Hot Springs, Gogra, Doklam and parts of Tibet. “We will continue to do to their cuisine what they have been doing to our country,” said a senior official. “We expect them to cooperate fully on every front. Otherwise our next step will be to deploy chilli paneer, which we have so far held in reserve.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc