The Investigator

24X7 CHANNEL DEDICATED TO SUSHANT SINGH RAJPUT ANNOUNCED!

Shovon Chowdhury

In news that has led the share price of other news channels to plummet alarmingly, a 24-hour news channel dedicated entirely to the coverage of Sushant Singh Rajput has just been announced. “It was an idea whose time has come,” said one of the promoters, a former correspondent for   Crime Reporter magazine. “We assessed the situation for over 60 days and realised that this is a story that will run forever. It has all the ingredients the public wants rolled into one irresistible package — love, crime, revenge, financial misdemeanour, attractive young men and women, and Karan Johar. Once we came up with the idea, raising funds was no problem at all. We had to beat off potential investors with sticks.”

The proposed channel will leave no stone unturned in the mission to unearth every aspect of the story that has riveted the nation. “We will have one satellite each dedicated to tracking the movements of every member of Rhea Chakraborty’s family, including both her parents, and another one for Rajput’s CA. A mini satellite will be deployed to track the income tax officer who has been handling his files, while dedicated OB vans will follow key members of both the Maharashtra and Bihar police investigating teams. We will have a series of special programmes, including ‘Mumbai Patna Mehfil’ in which members of the Mumbai and Patna police forces will insult each other using Urdu couplets with Javed Akhtar and the CBI as referees, and ‘Crore Machaye Shor’ in which the studio audience will be provided weekly bank statements of Rajput from which they must guess how much money was withdrawn that week and who received it. In ‘Mujrim Hazir’, every week a different member of Chakraborty’s family, or anyone else we don’t like, will be put on trial, and a panel of retired television anchors will judge the merits of the case aided by a studio audience, after which they will pronounce the sentence. If we can get the necessary permissions, the sentences will be carried out in the studio itself. Some of the programmes we are coming up with are nothing short of revolutionary. For instance, ‘Bach Gaya, Saala’ will have Karan Johar and Alia Bhatt laughing relievedly for 15 minutes each in every episode while taking occasional breaks to thank Chakraborty.”

Will there be no other kind of programming at all on the channel? “If we can find some sort of connection with Sushant Singh,” said one of the promoters, “occasionally we may feature the Ram Temple.”

PATRIOT PLEDGES TO BOYCOTT EXPENSIVE CHINESE PRODUCTS!

Shovon Chowdhury

In news described as ‘highly encouraging’ by the Chinese foreign ministry, Colonel (retired) VS Gopalan, a patriotic resident of Trichy, has struck what experts are calling a ‘lethal blow’ in the ongoing economic war between India and China. In a public ceremony at the local market, attended by three other members of his family and a local dealer of Xiaomi mobile phones, the colonel has announced that he will no longer be buying expensive Chinese products. “It was not a decision I took lightly,” he said. “But for China to receive a message, all of us have to make sacrifices. Only then will the Chinese understand that what they are doing at the border is completely unacceptable. The sacrifices of our gallant boys must be given meaning. That is why we have taken a solemn oath that no one from our family will ever buy a Xiaomi phone that costs more than ₹50,000, or a Lenovo computer for more than ₹100,000 except on Amazon Prime Day, Independence Day or any other day on which the discounts offered are simply too mouth watering to refuse. The same principle will be applied to clothing, household appliances, small electronic items, Diwali lights and kitchen utensils, although the applicable price bands may vary. In this way, we will demonstrate that we Indians are not people who can be taken lightly, and we will send a message that will reverberate from one end of China to the other.”

GOVT TO KEEP BUILDING TEMPLES TILL COVID-19 ERADICATED!

Shovon Chowdhury

After the Ram Temple at Ayodhya was inaugurated with great fanfare on the very day India recorded the highest number of Covid-19 cases in a day globally, the government has now announced that this policy will continue. “We were looking for an auspicious day to start such an inspiring endeavour, and after extensive consultation with experts, this turned out to be the best day to do it. A few of the more negative-minded members of our team were nervous, but the results have exceeded our expectations,” said a government spokesperson.

Judging by television TRPs and Twitter statistics, both the media and the public have greeted this confluence of events with an outpouring of joy. The government has been highly encouraged by this development. “The fact that there was such widespread positivity on the very day that we became the world number one in daily cases of Covid-19 cannot be a mere coincidence. We plan to continue to capitalise on this trend,” added the spokesperson. “We will try to ensure that all major construction landmarks coincide with other major Covid-19 milestones. In order to further strengthen efforts to eradicate the menace of Covid-19, the laying of foundation stones of other religious structures also cannot be ruled out. We are confident that, if executed properly, a sufficient number of such events will wipe out Covid-19 thoroughly from our hearts and our TV screens. No foundation stone will remain unlaid until this menace is utterly and completely eradicated.”

The Investigator is a monthly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal. @shovonc