The Investigator

Govt to provide list of words to describe 'Govt'!

The Deputy Secretary is studying the Oxford English Dictionary, Volume 3, D-F. An assistant stands by his desk, holding it up for him. At a gesture from the Secretary, the assistant licks his finger and turns the page. “D for Delightful. That’s very good. Delightful!” says the Secretary. He is delighted. He points to his stenographer, who makes a note. “Is this one of the approved words?” I ask, pencil poised on my notepad. “It will have to be submitted to the Committee for Approved Terminology,” says the Secretary, “but I am very hopeful. After all, we aim to provide service, and the main objective of service is Customer Delight. We would like to make this compulsory. This is part of our Phase 2 action plan, which will gradually be revealed. In Phase 1, we have created a preliminary list of words, which are now officially permitted for usage by patriotic citizens, while describing anything to do with the government. Words such as ‘thoughtful’, ‘innovative’ and ‘staggeringly brilliant’ are highly recommended.

‘Historic’, ‘heroic’ and ‘heart-touching’ are also good. Some other words will be strictly regulated. For example, use of the word ‘Emergency’ will only be allowed, after taking written permission from a gazetted officer of the rank of Under Secretary and above, so long as they are not on special duty. ‘Unnecessary dragging in of Constitution’ will attract a maximum penalty of seven years’ rigorous imprisonment. ‘Gratuitous references to free speech’ will lead to poetry reading sessions with Kapil Sibal. Meanwhile, a delegation of Joint Secretaries has been posted to Oxford, where they will consult the writers of the dictionary regarding other good words. We have also looked into the area of ratings, which are becoming increasingly common at the grassroots level. We have issued guidelines and indicated penalties. For example, ‘excellent’, and ‘very good’ are allowed while rating government services, but ‘average’ will lead to delay in receipt of LPG, while ‘poor’ will lead to instant transfer of domicile to Kashmir. Use of emojis will also be carefully regulated. Thumbs-up and smiley faces are permitted. ROFL will be judged on a case-to-case basis, and inappropriate application could attract penalties. Sharing of emojis with threatening expressions in the context of governance will be strictly disallowed. “Do these regulations extend to the police as well?” I ask. The Secretary shakes his head, smiling. “They are simple fellows. They have specified that they want the public to use only one word to describe them, and that word is ‘uncle’.”

Man requests Shiv Sena to help with son's dental fees!

In news described as ‘epic’ by Extortion Weekly, Pratap Rangnekar, a resident of Vile Parle, has requested the Shiv Sena to threaten someone with violence so that they pay the necessary money for the dental procedure of his son, Milind, currently a student of Std XII. “I am requesting them to do a small amount of threatening to help the youth of India,” said Mr. Rangnekar. “I am not too concerned about who they threaten, so long as they have money. My son is suffering. He is unable to chew anything.

As a result, he is not relishing his food. All his mother’s efforts in the kitchen are serving no purpose, except to feed her husband, which she does not seem to enjoy. As a result, darkness has enveloped our home. I would also request the Maharashtra CM to intervene, as he did in the case of KJo. If the Shiv Sena can help with his college fees also, that will be much appreciated. I will accept any reasonable lump sum. In honour of their contribution, I will get him admitted to dental college. I hereby pledge that in the future, he will provide free dental services to senior members of their organisation, which they will require more and more as they become older. All dentures will be provided free of cost, although a small making charge may apply.”

Former RBI head, BigBasket implicated in plot!

The surgical strike on high denomination currency has been revealed to be the result of a conspiracy between leading vegetable vendor BigBasket and former RBI governor Raghuram Rajan. “I knew something was going on because the directors of the company kept giggling at meetings,” said an employee of BigBasket.

According to media sources, Rajan may also have been involved. In an interview with Hot Bankers magazine, Rajan has admitted responsibility. “I was reluctant, but people were forgetting me,” he said from an undisclosed location. Loyalists he had left behind executed his plan. “By the time we realised what was going on, half the new banknotes had been printed,” said a current RBI employee. “So we decided to go ahead anyway. Regarding the ₹2000 note, there is no truth to the rumour that Gandhiji will slap you if you use it to pay a bribe.’

In related news, Switzerland will have new printing presses, while the black economy in India may switch over to a barter system involving Maggi Noodles. “The current exchange rate is 32 lakh packets of Maggi for one small flat in Greater Noida,” explained a representative of the black economy. “Although some of us have our doubts. Patanjali Noodles would be a more patriotic choice.”

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc