The Investigator

Surgeons deploy scalpels against surgical strikes!

The surgeon lunges at the policeman with his scalpel. The policeman backs away, clutching his lathi nervously. ‘Lathicharge, haan? You want to lathicharge?’ says the surgeon. “Come and try, no? I’ll give you some free surgery.” “I don’t need surgery,” whimpers the policeman. “Why?” asks the surgeon, “your stomach looks large. I can reduce it.” “But we have to lathicharge everybody,” protests the policeman, “It’s the law.

Even Army widows are not spared.” The surgeon sneers, gathering himself for attack. He switches the scalpel from hand to hand. Behind him several other surgeons are rolling an oxygen tank out of a Maruti Gypsy. They fiddle with the valve. I am not sure what they will do with it, but things are looking bad for the forces of law and order. The policeman folds his hands at his boss, who is hiding behind a barricade, clutching his helmet. “Sir, from the beginning I told you, sir, please let us get the water cannon. These doctors are very ferocious. We need force to eject them.” “What can I do?” says his boss, from behind the barrier. “The baba log in the bungalows wanted to have a rain dance, so they took away all the water cannons.” “As a result they are now defenceless,” says the constable gloomily, joining his boss behind the barricade. “Such is the irony.”

A packet of blood flies over the barricade and hits him in the face. The surgeons raise a cheer. In the distance I see another policeman rolling on the ground, wrapped up in yards of gauze. From the back of the Gypsy two more surgeons emerge, one holding a catheter, the other a disturbingly long thermometer. Their expressions are cruel and inhuman. As a reporter for Business Line, I have faced my share of peril. Every time I enter the editor’s room, I do not know if I will come out alive. I have hobnobbed with members of ISIS. I have interviewed Subramaniam Swamy. I have reviewed Chetan Bhagat. But even I can see that this is no place to be. Time for one quick question. “Are the masks to prevent identification in court?” I ask. “That’s true. But mainly we’re here to defend our good name,” says one of the surgeons. “Surgery is a noble profession. Our goals are precise. Our aim is true. Now people equate us with money trouble. Our lives are at risk from confused Pakistanis. What mistake have we made except try to help people?” He eyes the mole on my cheek thoughtfully. His scalpel twitches. I call my auto. It’s time to leave. We’re on a budget, so we can’t afford taxis. As the auto speeds away, I hear the piercing cries of a lost soul in hell. A sub-inspector is having his temperature taken.

Ask Ally

Why are all the currency notes in different sizes?

Regards, Jiten Baruah, Tinsukia

Dear Jiten,

Once more you are questioning decisions of the government, despite repeated warnings. No good can come of this. The notes come in different colours, matching kurtas that have been worn on different occasions by the PM. Each one has numbers on it, which clearly specify the value. Urjit Patel, a leading member of the Patel community, signs all of them. He is very eminent. He controls more money than any other Patel in the world.

What more do you want? You seem to be one of those people who are never satisfied. Besides, isn’t it obvious that blind people will benefit? Isn’t it clear that terrorists will be confused? Are you against confusing terrorists? It would seem that you are an anti-national. I have no choice but to give your name to the IT department, as well as the RBI.

People like you don’t deserve any currency, and your withdrawal limits will be reduced to zero with immediate effect. You will be allowed only ₹125,000 for marriage purposes. If you have FCRA clearance, that too will be withdrawn.

Yours affectionately, Ally

Indian idol to create actual idols!

In news described as “uplifting” by Footkissers Weekly, legendary reality show Indian Idol has announced that from 2017, it will focus on producing actual idols. “In India, we require a constant supply,” said show director Pyarelal Idol, “Unfortunately, some of the new ones we are getting are not as good as the old ones. Many have complained that they are not getting the same satisfaction from worshipping them.”

“Nowadays I am not getting that satisfaction,” said Shekhar, a youth from Cuddalore. “I feel like I could do better, worship wise.”

“My knees are not what they used to be,’ said PK Kutty, a legislator from Begumpet, “If I’m going to get down on them, I need a good reason.” “Even the noses have deteriorated,” said a retired civil servant from Faridabad, aged 62. “Look at Indira Gandhi. Look at Rahul Gandhi. There’s no comparison.” According to unconfirmed reports, top scientists have created a series of tests, which will help viewers select the best candidates.

These will include Plus Size Pranayama, in which candidates will be judged on their ability to get plus sized people to do pranayama. In the Great Garland Challenge, they will attempt to gauge how many garlands contestants can wear before they collapse in a heap. In Shaktirupee Bhaktirupee, each contestant will be weighed in new currency notes, and in a shocking twist, will then have to guess their value in demonetised currency. The contestants get to keep the money. “In this way, we make the process more direct,” said Idol, “and cut out the middleman.”

The Investigator is a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc