The Investigator

Whistleblowers to be tackled on war footing!

In news which has been greeted at the Delhi Gymkhana with modest satisfaction, the government has announced a further tightening of regulations to fight the menace of whistleblowers.

“This is our No. 2 priority, after cows,” said a member of the government. “The contrast could not be more striking. Cows are our mother, and they give us milk, while whistleblowers are hampering development. Thanks to their baseless accusations, honest officers are feeling victimised. We checked with all three of them, and they confirmed this. Across levels of government, the appetite for work, once huge, has reduced to a trickle. Baseless accusations have been identified as the primary cause for this. We are henceforth ordering that any information provided by whistleblowers will be accepted as part of a valid complaint only if generated through RTI inquiry. As per standard practice, information requested through RTI plea may or may not be provided, depending on whether national security is involved, or the files have been chewed up by rats. If information submitted to us does not come through this process, the case will be invalid. Regarding safety and security of whistleblowers, the process has been further streamlined. While accusing the government, the whistleblower may feel the need for protection from it. If the government feels that fears of its actions are justified, it will provide cover. In case of rejection of security request, the whistleblower will come to learn what we have always known. Self-protection is the best protection.”

Gau Rakshak arrested for mentioning cows!

In news that has led to widespread concern, a gau rakshak was arrested in Bareilly yesterday for ‘mentioning cow on video’. “I never thought this day would come,” said Yogesh Sharma, 26. “I have been protecting cows for over six months now, and suddenly the police have betrayed me.” An FIR was filed against him after he uploaded a video entitled ‘My mother is a very bad mother’, in which he abuses his parent. “It’s a misunderstanding,” said Sharma.

“It was due to some tension in the house. Ever since I started beating people, my mother has stopped making roti for me, saying, I’m not making roti for you, you’re beating up random people. There was only one thing I could do. I put up a video on YouTube, hoping to bring public pressure to bear. I tried to explain to the police that I did not mean cow, but my actual mother, but then they asked, ‘are you saying the cow is not your mother’, and I had no answer. My lawyer is saying my chances are slim.”

“We need to be more cautious in our use of metaphors,” said Archishman Lahiri, a professor of semantics. “The word ‘cow’ is obviously wrong, and by extension, the word ‘beef’, but there needs to be more debate on the word ‘mother’. Mother Dairy has unnecessarily confused the issue, and for this, they must be condemned.”

Noida clash was Pizza chain conspiracy!

The American is much taller than I, but I’m cleaner. I am puzzled by his appearance. We get all kinds of foreigners these days, but this is the first time I’ve seen one rolling in the mud. His pants are soiled and his tie is askew. The policeman has released his collar but is still eyeing him suspiciously, as he talks urgently on his phone. He lowers the phone and asks the American a question. “Are you a CIA agent?”

“It was my honour to serve in Iraq,” says the American, “But that was with the army.”

“He’s from Iraq,” says the policeman, into the phone. He listens for a minute. He pokes the American in the butt with his lathi. “Go, go,” he says, “we have 10 more shacks to clear, you are wasting my time.” He turns to supervise the bulldozers.

The American smiles apologetically as we walk away. “I’m sorry I look such a mess,” he says, “I was doing a door-to-door with maids in their homes, when a bulldozer hit me in the small of the back. It scooped me up, along with a bed, a suitcase and a sewing machine, and almost dumped me in a landfill.”

I find it hard to sympathise. I know who he is. He is vice-president (international business) of Abomino’s, the global pizza giant. They have been active in our country. Thanks to them, millions of middle-class Indians are intimately familiar with the texture of rubbery cheese. As customers in the US shift to salads, this planned attack on Noida housing societies is just the first step in their plan for total domination of India. According to a source at their mushroom supplier, the next step is a consumer promotion. Every purchase of ₹500 and above will get a bucket to puke in. With six-inch pizzas, a small plastic mug and a bottle of Gelusil.

There is much that I need to ask him. “Do you think this is justified?” I ask. “Are you not tearing Indian society apart? How dare you, sir?” I’m practising being more aggressive so that I can shift to TV.

“Not at all,” he says. “In fact, this was based on market research. In response to the question, ‘would you like hot, tasty food of international quality to be delivered to your home every day’, 87 per cent of homemakers surveyed said yes, while 13 per cent said only if paneer is available. We’re just trying to make their dreams come true. Of course, some consumers may want more variety, and there are times when paneer is in short supply. These consumers can then pay domestic workers more, and coexist with them harmoniously. In time, these workers will have actual places to live, and they too will start ordering pizza. At Abomino’s we call this the Circle of Life.”

The Investigatoris a fortnightly round-up of all things droll and newsy. All views are personal. Really personal.

Shovon Chowdhury is chief Truthdigger and author of The Competent Authority; @shovonc