What is the secret of happiness? Money. Fame. Success. Think again. “In 1938, Harvard researchers embarked on a decades-long study to find out: What makes us happy in life? The researchers gathered health records from 724 participants from all over the world and asked detailed questions about their lives at two-year intervals. Contrary to what you might think, it’s not career achievement, money, exercise, or a healthy diet.” The most consistent finding that they unearthed through 85 years of study was: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer [CNBC Makeit Feb 10, 2023].
How do you develop better relationships? It starts with communication and making a connection. If we know how to communicate better we can build better social connections and better social connections can bring us health and happiness. We may lament that ‘I am trying to communicate but he/she is just not listening’.
My former boss and mentor had a great observation ‘The onus of the communication is on the communicator’. Think about it. We can go home saying that my boss does not understand me. Or my customer does not appreciate what I am saying. And have a disturbed sleep. Instead, if we spend time trying to figure out where they are coming from and tailor our message accordingly, we may actually manage to make a connection.
Becoming a better communicator is easier said than done. You may say that I am an introvert. I don’t know how to make casual conversation. I am shy. Well help is at hand. In his book The Laws of Connection veteran science journalist David Robson has presented 13 laws that can help us all become better at making connections. The book is presented as 13 chapters, each dedicated to one law of Robson.
The eighth factor
The first chapter presents the famous California State Department of Public Health study done in the early 1960s. It showed that there are seven ingredients for good health: don’t smoke, drink in moderation, sleep seven to eight hours, exercise, avoid snacks, maintain a moderate weight, eat breakfast. These are known as ‘Almeda 7’.
The research continued and by 1979 an eighth factor was discovered, ‘social connection’. People with greater number of ties were around half as likely to die as people who had smaller networks. [In my book All the World is a Stage I have explored the benefits of better networks for personal branding, so I am a convert].
The first law of connection that Robson presents is build better connections by ‘Being consistent in your treatment of others’; show interest in others successes, show interest in their opinions, wait for the other person to speak and listen more, talk less.
The next law presents a way of looking at relationships ‘create a mutual understanding with the people you meet; ignore superficial similarities and instead focus on your internal worlds, and the peculiar ways that your thoughts and feelings coincide’.
The third law demystifies the ‘introvert fear’; others will like you as much as you like them or more, don’t be shy, practice your social skills to build your social confidence.
The fourth law starts with an interesting anecdote about Edgar H Hoover, the legendary head of the US FBI, and his comment ‘Watch the Borders’. I will not spoil it for you, but the law says ‘Check your assumptions; engage in perspective getting’ rather than ‘perspective taking’ to avoid egocentric thinking and misunderstanding’.
The fifth law breaks down the need to engage better ‘demonstrate active curiosity, engage in self-disclosure, and avoid novelty penalty, to build mutual understanding and contribute to the merging of our minds’.
The sixth law rounds up the first part of the book which is on building connections; this law says ‘praise people generously, but be highly specific in your words of appreciation’.
And, six more laws
The second section moves from building connections to maintaining connections. In this section we get to read about Robson’s six more laws that deal with ‘Truth Lies and Secrets’, ‘Avoiding Envy and Enjoying Confelicity [rejoicing in the joy of others; I learnt a new word here, it is the opposite of schadenfreude]’, ‘Asking for help’, Healing Bad Feelings’, ‘Constructive Disagreement’ and ‘Finding Forgiveness’. The last chapter is the thirteenth law ‘Reach out to people who are missing in your life’ and a quick summary of the other 12 laws.
The book, a slim looking paperback, appears easy to read but as this reviewer started on the book, he realised this book is almost like a ‘literature review’ that is done as a part of a PhD thesis submission. Each chapter is loaded with numerous research articles and the notes mentions more than 400 research papers that the author had extracted his material from.
This is a great read for those of you wanting to figure out how to improve your social connections. But be warned, this is not a light read. You may want to read, and go back a few times to get the full gist of what was encapsulated in each of the 13 laws of connection.
(The reviewer is a brand / advertising veteran, a certified CEO Coach and a best selling author of 11 books)
Check out the book on Amazon
