“So what’s Kareena Kapoor really like?”

It’s the kind of question I, like most film journalists, dread. For one, I’m still trying to figure out what I am really like. For another, does anybody truly know what anybody else is really like? How often are we surprised by the behaviour of someone we thought we knew inside out?

And then, there is the journalistic version: “Will the real Shah Rukh Khan please stand up?”

It makes me want to scream (and I sometimes do).

I’m amazed that people think stars would be their ‘real’ selves in front of a journalist. I want to holler: “They’re actors, remember? They act. All the time. And when they don’t, journalists would be about the last people (just ahead of the police and income tax officers) that they would reveal themselves to.”

Mind you, those who ask that question are those who will watch every TV interview with the star in question, catch every episode of a chat show or reality show they appear in. So, they’ve actually seen how the star behaves off screen, have been able to see their minutest reaction either when they’re reasonably relaxed and comfortable (as with, say, Karan Johar) or under pressure from a persistent journalist asking difficult questions.

Thus, given the inherent foolishness of the question, what people really meanis: “C’mon, gimme some juicy, sleazy, scandalous story about Kareena/ Aishwarya/ Shah Rukh/ Aamir/ Amitabh/ Salman/ whoever.” What’s more, they expect you to launch into that juicy, sleazy, scandalous story instantly at any point of time that you’re accosted.

It can get tiring. So my usual response is a vague smile — the quickest and easiest way out. Or, if I’m feeling a little generous, I might say: “Okay, ask me a specific question about Khan/ Kapoor/ Bachchan, and I’ll answer if I can.” However, this approach can be both dangerous and wearying with a persistent fan (there’s just so much I can claim to know about what a star is “really” like). But now — finally — relief is at hand. For I do believe I have hit upon Approach No. 3. Now I can tell the persistent questioners breezily: “Go see Heroine !”

Because that’s what Heroine is: A string of sleazy, scandalous stories about various film stars, rolling out without respite for lead character, Mahi Arora, and us, the viewers. Director Madhur Bhandarkar has made his lead character a composite of stories and rumours about various stars — so no one star can take offence and wriggle out of any comparisons or awkward questions.

Out-of-demand actresses who stay in the limelight by buying an IPL team? That’s easy — there’s more than one of them. Political connections? Of course, with both national and local politicians, male and female stars. A star mother who aligns herself to a prominent politician? Ahem, think back to Sanjay Gandhi. Wives who decide which actress their husbands will work with? Well, Priyanka Chopra is allegedly on the blacklist of many superstar wives. A star who goes on a cleanliness drive? Preity Zinta’s not going to like that.

It’s patchwork thinly disguised as imagination, it’s random laundering of dirty linen, it’s like a tap turned on full blast. It’s what most people imagine film stars are like: Lonely, beautiful creatures who are too narcissistic, selfish, manipulative and amoral to be happy. Imbalanced souls who are constantly hovering on the edge of a breakdown. These are the kind of stories and rumours that friends expect industry insiders to trot out on demand. And Bhandarkar gives it to ’em.

What a shame. What a one-sided, blinkered shame. Bhandarkar had a great opportunity with this story — and he’s blown it so tackily. Sure, many of the incidents, snide asides and catty references have elements of truth and reality. In fact, truth be told, I have been in quite a few of those situations myself, and piquantly enough, a couple of them have involved Ms Kapoor herself! I’m certain it would be the same story with other film journalists as well (with Kareena and/or other stars). And if we haven’t witnessed the stories ourselves, we’ve certainly heard about most of them.

The problem is that Bhandarkar has taken the lid off the devious ways of B-Town, but ignored the random acts of kindness, the fun and the camaraderie that are as much a part of the industry. As even the most jaundiced insider will tell you, there is goodness and loyalty as well in the film industry.

Also, the movie takes itself too tragically. The one big difference between Heroine and that other Bollywood insider movie, Luck By Chance , is humour. Luck By Chance showed you the games Bollywood plays, but with affection and a sense of fun. Heroine badly needed to laugh too, instead of giving Kareena raccoon eyes for most of the movie. So too, with that other insider movie of sorts, The Dirty Picture — it scored more because of its humour than its raunch.

Besides, Bhandarkar is riding a tiger by playing to the gallery and throwing in all those snide references to prominent names in his fraternity. There must be many fuming faces in B-Town and they’re not going to forget (or forgive) easily or quickly.

If Heroine had been a rip-roaring success, all would have been brushed under the red carpet. But current reports don’t quite indicate blockbuster status. It will recover its money and make a decent profit because, like all Madhur Bhandarkar movies, it was made on a tight budget (approximately Rs 20 crore), but that’s not big money or big cheer. So Bhandarkar will, in filmi style, be left without much paisa or pyaar .

It’s Kareena who’s entitled to all-out celebrations. She’s the only reason you can sit through this film — she’s a magical confluence of ethereal beauty and superlative, gives-you-gooseflesh acting in her portrayal of the unbearable loneliness of being an actress. Unlike her director, she’ll waltz home with paisa , pyaar , rave reviews and, soon, a clutch of awards. And she’ll deserve all of it.

shashibaliga@gmail.com

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