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“I am new to the city and am here to study engineering. It’s only the first week but I am nervous as my room-mate hardly talks! She spends most of the time outside the room – leaves early morning and returns late.”
Whilst on a tertiary level you may be worried that she is avoiding you, your real feelings may be the loneliness of striking out in a new place. Clearly your first real peer contact is your room-mate; but you both are in a new stage of independence in your lives and may be dealing with it differently. It appears that she has friends or relatives in the city and that you are a stranger here. She may be shy or homesick or adjusting to a new schedule. However, so are you!
It is early days and things may change in the next couple of weeks. In one sense it may be helpful to give each other time to settle down and be a bit patient for a fortnight or so.
However, before conditioning sets in, it may be worthwhile to understand each other’s routines and maximise the benefits of the room which is to become home for you both for the next few years. Before the gap becomes wider, it is always useful to clarify the issue.
Therefore the first port of call would be to break the ice and if you feel comfortable doing so, you can take the initiative. Maybe you can share your thoughts about being new to the city. It is important to dispel any doubts or presumptions.
You could suggest developing a routine based on each other’s preferences. What time of the day does each of you prefer to study? Is there anything in particular that is disturbing to each? The light on, music, speaking on the cell phone, friends dropping in to chat?
A harmonious relationship with one’s room-mate need not mean becoming close/best friends, but rather to develop a cordial and workable relationship that is beneficial towards commitment and hard work towards the course that you both have earned places in.
(The author is a clinical psychologist based in London, with an interest in working through adjustment issues with young adults.)
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