Why are most men such sissies when it comes to dealing with emotions, feelings, sorrow... or in short, any of the finer, softer things in the emotional realm? This was driven home very forcefully to me recently during a period of a huge personal loss… loss of a dear one to cancer.
Some of the men closest to me in terms of understanding who I am, what moves or motivates me, what perks me up or depresses me no end… close relatives or dearest friends, were extremely stingy, almost bankrupt, with their hugs and words of healing. Granted, as a species, men lack the ability or the words to rally solidly behind their loved ones during periods of sorrow and distress. But my disappointment was more with those who have both the ability and the vocabulary… but failed to connect emotionally and limited their communication to a paltry text message!
But this column is not about me and my grief. Engrossed in Walter Isaacson's gripping biography
He started dating Chrisann Brennan, his junior in high school and “first real girlfriend”, in 1972. His compulsive diets, “eating only fruits and vegetables (made him) as lean and tight as a whippet... this odd mixture of intensity and aloofness combined with his shoulder-length hair and scraggly beard, gave him the aura of a crazed shaman. He oscillated between charismatic and creepy”, says Isaacson, adding Ms Brennan's comment: “He shuffled around and looked half mad. He had a lot of angst. It was like a big darkness around him.”
Delusional streak
After a five-year on-and-off relationship, when she became pregnant, he didn't take it seriously. When Jobs didn't want to deal with a distraction, he just ignored it, “as if he could will it out of existence,” says the author. So he shut out this too from his mind. When confronted, he admitted he had been sleeping with her, adding, “I wasn't sure it was my kid, because I was pretty sure I wasn't the only she was sleeping with.”
You can't blame Jobs, then only 23, for not wanting to marry her; he pushed for an abortion, but strongly disapproved of putting up the child for adoption. Remember his own biological father, a Syrian, had refused to marry his mother? In 1978 when Lisa was born, Jobs was there for the naming, but “didn't want to have anything to do with her or with me” said Ms Brennan. The mother and child lived in a dilapidated house on welfare as she did not “feel up to suing for child support”
Finally the county of San Mateo sued him for paternity and financial responsibility. He resisted, his lawyers tried to line up evidence she had been sleeping with other men. “At one point I yelled at Steve on the phone ‘you know that is not true'. He was going to drag me through court with a little baby and try to prove I was a whore and that anyone could have been the father of that baby,” she said.
When Lisa turned one, Jobs agreed to the paternity test, which put the probability of his being the father at 94.41 per cent, and the court ordered child support of $385. He got visitation rights which he didn't exercise for a long time. Jobs continued to be delusional about Lisa being his daughter and told a Time magazine reporter that analysis of statistics showed a probability of 28 per cent of male Americans being Lisa's father!
The mother, of course, was livid and charged him with trying to “paint me as a slut or a whore. He spun the whole image onto me in order to not take responsibility.” Years later he wished he “had handled it differently. I could not see myself as a father then, so I didn't face up to it. (Later) I tried to do the right thing. But if I could do it over, I would do a better job.”
Lisa turned out to be a smart and artistic kid, with great writing skills, was “spunky and high-spirited and had a little of her father's defiant attitude.” She also looked like him, with his “signature jaw”, arched eyebrows, and a faintly Middle Eastern angularity.” He paid for her education and during her high school years she moved in with him.
He took her for a business meet to Tokyo, would indulge her love for chicken even though he was vegetarian. But they had a roller-coaster relationship and wouldn't speak for months. “Neither one was good at reaching out, apologising, or making the effort to heal, even when he was wrestling with repeated health problems,” says Isaacson.
A stingy rich man!
In 1982, while working on the Mac, Jobs romanced singer Joan Baez; he was 27, she was 41. “It turned into a serious relationship between two accidental friends, who became lovers,” Jobs recalled wistfully to Isaacson. He was a multimillionaire and once told her he'd seen a red Ralph Lauren dress which would be perfect for her. He drove her to the store, bought a few shirts for himself and, though she expected “one of the world's richest men” to buy the dress for her, told her: “You ought to buy it”! By now he wanted kids, she didn't, and they broke up.
Jobs never wanted to meet his biological father Abdulfattah Jandali, who married his mother Joanne Schieble, after he was adopted. Sensitive about hurting his adoptive parents Paul and Clara, he met Joanne and his full sister Mona Simpson, a novelist, only in 1986. Both were similar; “intense in their artistry, observant of their surroundings, and sensitive yet strong-willed.”
He boasted to his Apple colleagues that his sister was a writer, and they became good friends. Later she wrote “an edgy novel about him, A Regular Guy , that described his quirks with discomforting accuracy.”
Eventually, he married Laurene Powell, who became the sensible anchor in his life, and had three children with her. Of the youngest, Eve, he said: “She's a pistol and has the strongest will of any kid I've ever met. It's like payback time.”
The darkest side of Jobs is brought out in this outburst from the wife of John Sculley, after he lost his job as Apple's CEO in 1993. Confronting Jobs she said: “When I look into most people's eyes, I see a soul. When I look into your eyes, I see a bottomless pit, an empty hole, a dead zone.” And yet the man designed some of the most fascinating products this world has seen!
(A caveat to duck letters of protest; this columnist doesn't think all men have problems connecting with finer emotions!)
(Response may be sent to rasheeda@thehindu.co.in )