US elections: a bluff and bluster show

In the 1998 comic film, Bulworth , a US senator (played by Warren Beatty), up for re-election and disillusioned by politics, decides to toss his prepared speeches and start telling the truth. He figures he’s got nothing to lose — until, ironically, his outrageous improvisations gain him a fan following.

Soon enough, he’s enjoying the wild popularity he could never even have dreamed of as a regular guy on the campaign trail.

There are many lessons to be learned from this vintage political satire. Appearances matter. Winning matters. And the best part is that you get to say whatever you want, so long as you win, but you don’t actually have to do anything after you win.

Republican candidate Donald Trump has mastered this strategy. Easily dismissed as ignorant, racist, sexist and xenophobic, and demonised by the media, he’s actually rather clever. He knows that he’ll need to tone down the bluster and bombast after he becomes president (which, alarmingly, is looking like a possibility). After all, even the most naïve of voters is unlikely to believe that Trump will really build a wall to separate the US from Mexico, or launch a pogrom to rid the country of all Muslims. It’s all rhetoric, folks.

And, let’s face it, it’s fun. Republicans, especially those on the far right, are not known for their sense of humour.

Just imagine President Donald Trump and Vice-President Sarah Palin in the White House! Who wouldn’t pay to watch their nonstop stand-up comedy?

Which brings us to a critical point about capturing the American public’s heart today: you need to entertain.

American culture worships and extols entertainers, even if — maybe particularly if — they are inarticulate high-school dropouts with multiple tattoos and a history of drug and alcohol abuse. It’s also okay if those entertainers are ridiculously wealthy, because only politicians are not allowed to be rich. And this, by the way, is one reason that media mogul and former New York City mayor, Michael Bloomberg, will never be president if he runs.

Rather than bothering with showmanship, he prefers to be a serious businessman and a highly effective politician, which, in American voters’ parlance, is tantamount to being a greedy psychopath. Not that any of those self-righteous voters wouldn’t want to be billionaires if they could.

Now, entertaining is not necessarily shallow. President Ronald Reagan came from Hollywood, and indeed pandered to the public and the media, but his presidential accomplishments and legacy are much more significant than those of today’s candidates will ever be. That’s probably because he had some basic qualities that you need before you should even consider running for high office: intelligence, decisiveness, self-confidence and determination.

It’s hard to associate those qualities with any of the current Republican or Democratic candidates for the US presidency.

Democrat Hillary Clinton perhaps comes the closest, but her history of making morally ambiguous decisions, coupled with her air of desperate defiance (this is her last shot at the job, after all), makes her a dubious choice. The rest of the top-tier candidates — Republicans Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, John Kasich and Jeb Bush, plus leading Democrat Bernie Sanders — are not lacking in intelligence or experience, but they just don’t light anyone’s fire.

Perhaps the candidate who can ignite that flame doesn’t yet exist. But if you plan to throw your hat in the ring, here are some do’s and don’ts:

Try to be a centrist. Or at least, try for a lukewarm consensus on difficult issues and policies. No one is going to agree on everything, so don’t waste your precious four years on building harmony.

Make quick decisions. Don’t beat things to death. Follow the lead of the world’s best business leaders. Think on your feet. Run the country like a business. Make a decision and move on.

Do something about global policy. There was a time when US foreign policy counted. It wasn’t the wimpy, unfocused thing it is in 2016. Don’t look to Chancellor Angela Merkel to tell you what to do. Read up on history. There is a precedent for strong US foreign policy (like, way back in the 20th century). Follow it.

Don’t get carried away by pet causes. These can be anything from gays in the military (remember President Bill Clinton’s ill-advised crusade in the 1990s?) to immigration to gun control to terrorism to healthcare to the death penalty to free trade. Don’t get distracted by stuff that appeals to you personally. Focus on one or two things that are important to the economy. Forget everything else.

Don’t be a populist. Caving in to popular taste just to get yourself elected can sometimes backfire, whether it’s Ted Cruz wanting a pig roast on the White House lawn or Jeb Bush talking up his expensive, “really cool” bed that costs as much as a Hyundai car.

Bloomberg dared to enforce healthy eating policies in public schools when he was mayor of New York City. You have all heard the screeching: “He took away our right to be obese! He is a dictator!”

Americans don’t know what a dictator is, and no presidential hopeful can ever take away anyone’s obesity (though we wish…). So tell your public to relax. They can be fat, just like before.

The writer is a US-based journalist